Do I Have Coronavirus?

“To journey for the sake of saving our own lives is little by little to cease to live in any sense that really matters, even to ourselves, because it is only by journeying for the world’s sake—even when the world bores and sickens and scares you half to death—that little by little we start to come alive.”

—Frederick Buechner

On February 29, 2020, I find out by text from my intern when the first patient at our hospital in Seattle tests positive for COVID-19. He learns of it from his fellow intern who is caring for the patient. The news quickly spreads through the hospital like the virus itself, going from person to person while official communication channels remain initially silent. The news comes on the heels of a friend’s text that her daughter’s high school is closing for disinfection after a classmate also tested positive for COVID-19. I know the cataclysmic significance of these two events: Public health efforts to contain the SARS-CoV-2 coronavirus have failed, and there is ongoing community spread of the infection in Washington state. I text my intern back with the emoji of The Scream by Edvard Munch.

Could I be asymptomatically infected with the coronavirus? I work in close quarters with my colleagues who cared for the COVID-19–positive patient before he was placed in infection precautions. Social distancing has yet to enter our lexicon and our lives. In our crowded office, shared surfaces abound. Suddenly, every hard surface seems suspect—chairs, phones, dictaphone handsets, code pagers, printers, keypads, and door handles. All can be vectors of viral transmission. Normally insouciant about cleanliness, my coworkers and I start swabbing down every surface with disinfectant wipes. I ponder my likelihood of infection and decide it is possible but not probable.

In the next few days, I have a trip to Sedona, Arizona, planned with my extended family. Originally conceived as a celebration for my mom’s 80th birthday, we repurposed it as a time to grieve together after she unexpectedly passed away. I debate back and forth whether to go on the trip. If there is a chance I am infected with the coronavirus, it feels irresponsible to board an airplane with hundreds of other people. Yet the trip carries such high value for me. My family holds out hope I can get tested for the coronavirus, but I know just how limited testing capability is. It cuts me to the heart, but I cancel my flight. The deciding factor is that my sister has an autoimmune disease and is immunosuppressed. I don’t want to jeopardize her health. The world has truly gone topsy-turvy when the greatest thoughtfulness you can show to someone you love is to stay the hell away from her.