Welcome Back...
This week I was saddened to learn that actor Robert Hegyes, better known to me and other Welcome Back Kotter fans as "Epstein," died of an apparent heart attack. I was shocked to read that Hegyes was 60 years old, which means John Travolta has got to be, like, 58! To be fair, when they played high school students on television both actors were clearly in their early 40s. If that wasn’t enough, it seems that every headline in pediatrics this week somehow harkened back to an earlier time, probably because at that time I was, you know, a child.
If there is one eternal truth that bonds children of different generations it is this: school lunch always has and always will consist of a pile of brown slop next to another pile of brown slop next to a carton of chocolate milk, at least if the big kid doesn’t cut in line in front of you and swipe the last one. Think about it: what do tater tots, sloppy joes, sausage pizza, salisbury steak, macaroni and cheese, turkey-in-gravy, mashed potatoes, and corn dogs all have in common? Yep, all brown. For healthy selections you got your cling peaches, your mandarin oranges, your baked cinnamon apple slices, and your cole slaw, also somehow brown (how do they do that?).
But now the US Department of Agriculture, in accordance with First Lady Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move initiative, has gone and messed it all up by revising school lunch health guidelines for the first time in fifteen years! Next year, according to the handy sample menu, kids may be snarfing kiwi halves, green pepper strips, and jicama, among other blindingly colorful fruits and vegetables. In addition to the possible shock of seeing jarring colors on cafeteria trays, think of the injuries kids might sustain from waging food fights with non-mushy fruits and vegetables! But all is not lost. The model menu still has a spot for "canned peaches in juice." Y’all know that’s just fancy talk for "cling."
One childhood ordeal that has not changed as much as some might have thought is the carpool. Looking back, I’m not sure exactly how my father managed to cram himself and four kids into a Datsun B-210 every other morning, much less drive us to school without significant loss of life ("Good news! We have another opening in the carpool!"). This was the 1970’s, remember, so whoever didn’t call "Shotgun!" could call "Hatchback!" or "Strapped to the roof!". If we had used car seats there’s no way that vehicle could have made it down the driveway.
According to a new study in Pediatrics, many parents still don’t feel the need to mess with booster seats when other kids in their carpool aren’t using theirs. Given the literature that demonstrates significant safety gains for kids up to 57 inches tall using booster seats, I find it a little alarming that 45% of parents surveyed freely admitted not using boosters for 4- to 8-year-old children if unrelated children in the car were also missing them. State booster seat laws did help, but half of parents admitted not knowing their own state’s laws, and another 20% thought they knew, but then confessed they were actually thinking of some other state, maybe Guam. Best of all, 9% of respondents answered they’d solve the problem of inadequate seating by buckling two kids in one belt, letting children ride in the cargo area, or calling my dad to see if he still has that Datsun.
Finally, a study in the journal Urology may allow a whole generation of children to face sleepovers, summer camp, and bunk beds without fear of bedwetting. Using simple abdominal x-rays, researchers found that asking children about constipation is like asking politicians about ethical violations; they’re often more full of poop than they let on. While only 10% of kids who presented to the clinic for bedwetting reported hard or infrequent stools, 80% were constipated by x-ray. Laxatives cured bedwetting in the vast majority. I’m now seeking grant funding to try the same therapy on politicians.
I guess the past is always changing, but always staying the same. Ironically, Kotter (actor and comedian Gabe Kaplan) is not only making a killing as a poker celebrity, he’s keeping a hand in adaptations of his beloved sitcom. If we are lucky enough to Welcome Kotter Back again, I hope he’ll have room for a cameo where First Lady Michelle Obama can come on and help the Sweathogs cope with their colorful lunches.